Years ago, a friend (and mentor) of mine gave me a tape of "Affirmations for Writers" by Lawrence Block. When things got really depressing (like ... a ton of rejections letters in the mailbox--all arriving on one day), I would haul out that tape and listen to it for hours on end. It was supposed to make me feel better. I'm not sure it did. But I kept taking the damn thing out -- and even made a copy of it because I thought I'd probably wear it out one day.
Good thing I did. Once I decided to abandon the amateur realm, it took just over eleven years to actually sell my first novel. During those dark nights of the soul, I'd often hear Lawrence Block's voice in the back of my mind, repeating over and over again those affirmations.
No one has to lose for me to win.
Yesterday, I received a devastating piece of news. I had hoped to sell the paperback rights to Dead In Red. As it turns out, that's not going to happen. So, whatever hardback sales I have (mostly to libraries--and not that many of them) is all I'm going to get. Mind you, my paperback for the first book in the series sold 21,000 copies. Twenty-one thousand readers is only a drop in the bucket for authors like Stephen King and Nora Roberts, but to me--it's HUGE.
Did I want to take a saw-toothed knife to my throat and start cutting?
The books in my Jeff Resnick series are the "books of my heart" (as they are known in the romance genre). The sad fact is ... my Lorna Barrett nom-de-plume is going to be much more successful than my own name. It breaks my heart. I've still got two more books already written in the Jeff Resnick series. And sadly, if they are published, they are going to find an extremely miniscule audience. As I mentioned, my publisher for that series targets libraries. And the $26 hardcover price is just too much for most anyone (especially in this precarious economy) to part with.
No one has to lose for me to win.
So on the same day it was bittersweet for me to learn that two of my Guppy pals had wonderful news to share yesterday. My pals Merideth Cole had a wonderful review for her book Posed For Murder, and author Liz Zelvin just sold a short story to Ellery Queen magazine.
No one has to lose for me to win.
I'm not lying when I say I'm so very happy for them--because Lawrence Block was right: No one has to lose for me to win.
But ... I still can't help wishing the my Jeff Resnick series had a chance to win.
Dark night of the soul. Yes, that I'm experiencing right now.
But you know what? No one has to lose for me to win.
And why shouldn't my friends win? I wish them all the best. I wish them best-sellerdom. We all have talent. We all have characters we love.
But, sadly, we can't all be winners. Right now...I feel like a loser.
You are such a talented, successful author, I can't believe you feel that way. We all have our down-in-the-dumps moments. You must be in one. My Yooper mysteries were 'from my heart' and they didn't find wide-spread attention but I loved writing them. It's impossible to predict what makes it and what doesn't. Keep writing!!!
Posted by: Deb Baker | December 16, 2008 at 06:07 PM